Stolen Moments

The days are better now that we've gotten a handle on breastfeeding. Now it seems like it's the only thing he wants to do. I do feel like I spend all day breastfeeding, but I know that it is worth it and it is what I wanted.
Some days are really good and Liam will eat on a regular schedule and take good naps. I get a lot done on those days, laundry, dishes, little projects... But some days he refuses to nap and wants to spend the whole day at the breast. It's exhausting, but even in the middle of this I try to remember that I will never again have this time with him, where it's just me and him all day. So if we spend all day in bed breastfeeding and getting nothing done, that's ok, because this is my sweet time with my little boy. And he is absolutely precious.

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He's here

Yeah, I'm a smidge behind on getting this updated, but things have happened.

William Thomas Jacks made his appearance August 1st, 2011 at 4:56pm. After 36+ hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing alone, 24 hours of little to no progress at all and talks of having to get a c-section, he finally showed up! And almost on his due date too.

He was a hefty little thing, 8lbs 11 oz and almost 21 inches long. But he didn't really cry a lot when he was born and he was/is absolutely beautiful. Everyone thinks so. And I'm glad. Because I knew that he would be beautiful to me, but I didn't want to be one of those sad women who has an ugly baby but she thinks it's beautiful and people would say things like "Aw.. isn't he sweet" or "All babies are a miracle" or something similar that means basically "Your baby looks like a monkey, but it's a baby so I can't say anything mean about it, really"

Everyone says he looks like Jesse, but honestly, Jesse and I don't see it. We don't think he looks like anyone. We think he got switched in the womb or something because we don't see it. Although the other day Liam was breastfeeding and looked up at me in this squinty way and for a second he looked like Jesse's grandmother. I hope he takes after the Bomar side of my family - they have beautiful babies and children.

He really is a good baby. We've been together almost a month now and we're still working things out, but overall he really is good. Took over a week for my milk to come in. I pumped day and night and didn't get very much sleep there for a week or so. When it finally did come in we had latch issues and though he's a very good feeder now, I'm left cracked and bleeding so it's still a touchy business for us.
But he sleeps well so long as he isn't hungry.

It's weird being a mommy. While I love him very much, there are days where this still feels like a dream and I'm going to wake up to my old life. Mostly I miss having a social life right now. I can't leave the house all that often, so I've got pretty bad cabin fever. But I have good days enough to even out the bad ones.
And Jesse is an absolute dream. While he was bit freaked out by everything while I was pregnant and wasn't sure if he wanted to be in the delivery room, he's been great. He was great throughout labor and delivery, very encouraging even when it looked like I was never going to get the baby out :) And since then he's been a hands on daddy. I know he loves this little guy as much as I do and he has been so supportive of me during my crazy hormonal breakdowns and stressing over breastfeeding. I know he's going to be (and already is) a great dad.

A few "last" thoughts - but probably not

Though I am tired and completely swollen at this point I will miss some things about being pregnant.
I'll miss feeling him kick around inside. He's a very very active little boy and it's been super neat to see how he reacts to different sounds or when I press down on him or when I eat something really sweet. He goes crazy every time the dr tries to check his heartbeat.
I'll miss that closeness we have - but I'll be glad that Jesse will now get to participate more in the bonding.
I'll miss having an obvious excuse for being fat. :)

I probably won't miss the daily inquiries from co-workers to absolute strangers about my weight, the heat, when I'm due and how big I look or tired I must be.
Had a lady yesterday ask me how big he was and I said I didn't know. She (not a tiny woman herself) proceeded to say how much I reminded her of herself at my age and she was the same size as me and had a 9 lb baby.
You know - even if that is true - I don't want to hear it. I want to hear how just because I'm huge I may still have a normal sized baby.
I had another lady at work in the elevator tell me how cute I looked and gave me really nice compliments. Didn't mention the heat or my feet once and I thought - this lady remembers what it's like to be 9 months pregnant. I felt really good after that.
The guys in my office are the funniest though. They range from absolutely awkward to terrified I might suddenly have the baby at any moment to making me the butt of some big joke to completely rude.
They all have bets on when I'll go and everyday whoever's day it is they give me pointers on what I can do to get things moving along so they can win.(roll eyes)
To all my friends and family, I promise you will be told when I go into labor or when he gets here. I swear I didn't have him 3 days ago and forgot to call. :) I have a grandmother who calls 2 or 3 times a day to see if I've had the baby yet. Granted - she's quite senile, but I've had to stop answering the phone because it was driving me batty.
No one wants this baby here more than me, except maybe my mother - who wanted me to have him 3 years ago :P

10 Days to go

10 days left and I'm plum worn out.
Every joint in my body aches and I feel like a 90 yr old woman when I walk.
I had my 39 week appt today and I was armed with questions. I wrote them all down in a notepad and was prepared. I was pretty sure I've done nothing by way of dilation or contractions so I wanted to know how long we were going to let this thing go.
I get to the dr and I am so nauseated. I think it was a combination of the heat outside and acid reflux. I nearly threw up at the office.
I do the usual blood pressure, weight check etc.. and then they put me back in a room. Jesse came with me because we might be discussing induction dates.
I'm sitting there on the table, naked under a paper sheet and the nurse comes in and says my doctor was called away suddenly to deliver a baby. It had to have been just moments before because I saw her just before I went into the exam room.
Great. The one day I'm super prepared and want to ask a lot of stuff she's out. I'm really jealous of the lady giving birth.
So instead they hook me up to a monitor to check his heartrate and see if I'm having any contractions.
I'm not.
Liam had a good ole' time kicking and bouncing the whole time he was hooked up. It's almost like he knew they were listening to him so he put on a little show. Unfortunately, they had to lie me down to do the test and my acid reflux flared up like crazy and Liam didn't help things by kicking me in the ribs every 5 minutes. :)
But, according to the nurse, they will not let me go past 41 weeks, which is August 7. So at my next appt we will schedule an induction around that date, just in case.
Worse case scenario - I will have a baby by August 7. Yay.. even though that feels so far away. Only 17 days, but each day feels like a week.

Counting Down

Two weeks left and I'm pretty sure I'm going to use up every minute of them and maybe then some.

The office has begun placing bets on when I'll deliver and how much he'll weigh. Some of the bets scare the life out of me. (over nine lbs and a week late!!? Really?! I sure hope not!)

I'm okay with Liam making an appearance any day now. I'm not yet completely miserable (although a few more days of 100+ heat might change that). But ideally, he would wait until after this weekend. I'd really like to see the last Harry Potter movie, as much as I know I'll be getting up 5 times to go potty.
And I'm just about caught up at work, but I do have a couple more things I'd like to finish before being gone for 2 1/2 months.

Meals are cooked, nursery is ready, bags packed and in the car.
But as of today I am not dilated or effaced at all. Nor has he dropped. He's quite happy and snuggly inside and gets too much fun poking his mom in the ribs!

The After Shower Party

I had two lovely showers this weekend and had another one a few weeks earlier.

They were all beautiful and I'm happy to say I managed to get through a pregnancy without one game involving guessing how big my belly is!

Now comes the after, loads of thank you cards and putting everything away.
I'm very happy to say that I didn't get that many repeats. I've heard horror stories of Target's gift registry and people getting 5 sets of things and having problems returning them. We only have 4 things that we got duplicates of and those are mostly small items.

Thank you to everyone who was involved with planning, putting together or coming to them!! Because I work with mostly men, my at work shower was half guys. Never seen so many men at a baby shower before. Nice to see them all get out of their comfort zone a bit :)

Just about everything is put away and organized and Jesse and I plan on taking this long weekend to do any returns, grab any last minute items we need, packing our hospital bag and putting the final touches on the nursery. (And he gets to install the car seat!!!)

One month to go now, and after this weekend, I'll be happy to say that I am 100% ready for him to arrive. And I'm actually getting excited about it now. I imagine kissing his little fat toes and fingers. I've been brushing up on my lullabies.
And if I swell any bigger I'm going to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man before he gets here!!!

6 weeks left

I feel like I'm getting to the home stretch. Or getting really close.
My goal is to have everything ready to go by July 5th. Nursery set up, everything put away, bag packed, a couple weeks worth of dinner in the freezer, purchased everything needed that wasn't received at showers, etc...
So nothing is left to do the last month except wait.

I hope I can meet that goal. It's pretty hefty. But I know I'll feel so much better if that's all done just in case he does come early.

I have a just as lofty list of things I need to do at the office before I go.
I feel stretched really thin right now. Loads of lists and projects stand before me, yet I cannot truly get motivated to start a lot of them.
Most of the time I want to just sit in a pool or take a nap.
At work it's the worst. I try to break up my day by getting up (I usually have to go to the bathroom several times a day now). But by 3 o'clock I am dead tired and my back is killing me.
I start out strong in the morning and usually accomplish a lot, but if anything needs my attention after lunch it's like I can't focus.

I feel quite hideous. I'm thinking of getting my hair done tonight just to boost my self esteem a bit.
I feel like I wear the same 4 outfits over and over. And my quest for comfort at home has me pretty much wearing the same thing every night.
I don't feel like I glow at all. I feel like the beautiful skin my second trimester gave me has now been replaced by a very pale grayish uneven complexion. And the stretch marks are spreading.
I felt cute and pregnanty a few weeks ago, but now I just feel big and pasty. :(

OMG Stretch Marks

I have rubbed my belly down with Cocoa Butter liberally everyday, but I guess it was unavoidable. I have stretch marks.
They are on the underside of my belly that I can't really see. Just under my bellybutton. I just happened to catch them this week when I turned a certain way in front of a mirror.

Sigh.

They could have been there for weeks and I had no idea. Stupid stretch marks; sneaking up on me like ninjas.

I guess with less than two months to go I should be grateful I'm only just now seeing them and that they aren't bad.

In other news, Liam is super bouncy. He has turned head down now and loves to stick his little behind in my ribs.
He's measuring right on schedule!!!

I had my first shower this weekend. It was very nice. The cake was super yummy!!! I got a lot of really adorable clothes and bunches of diapers. (Which after My mom and I attempted to organize everything in his room, but got halfway through and I had to stop.)
I think organization is something I'm just going to have to do myself. For some reason, having help just drives me batty - no offense, mom. It's a me thing - not you.

31 weeks

I am seven months pregnant.
It is nearly June.
It is 95 degrees today.

It is not fun.

I'm fine at home where I can control the thermostat and wear whatever I like.
It is not fine at the office where I have no idea what temperature they choose (many days we either freeze or burn there seems to be little in between) and I have to wear "office appropriate" clothing. Which in our office excludes anything sleeveless, shorts, capris, sandals and flip flops.

And Liam is kicking the crap out of me lately. I swear I am black and blue inside. It's like he is kicking out with his feet and punching up with his fists at the same time because I will feel my stomach bulge in both directions. He has found my ribs and enjoys using them as kickbags. He has found my bladder and believes it to be a pillow to lie on and squish. He thinks the most comfortable place to be in the world is right up under my boobs, pressing my lungs and stomach and giving me really bad acid reflux.

I can't sleep at night. It's not possible. It's too hot in my bedroom so I've moved to the couch. That worked for a couple weeks, but now I think I'm getting too big for the couch - or I was longing for a bed - not sure, but I set up an air mattress on the living room floor. It worked - kind of - slightly better than a couch, until I tried to get up to pee. I could not get myself off the floor. I crawled to the entertainment center and used it as leverage to hoist my giant belly up off the ground.
On the couch I could get to a seated position relatively easily and then stand up from there. The mattress on the floor was near impossible. There was a moment at 2am when I thought about crying out for Jesse to get me off the floor so I could go pee, but then I saw I could try to use the entertainment center as a helper instead.
I've since moved back to the couch. But with the constant needing to pee, not being able to find a comfortable position, (and then when I find one my leg falls asleep and it's difficult manuvering into another position), and the baby kicking me all hours of the day/night, I haven't slept. During the weekend this isn't such a problem because I usually catnap around 2pm or so and catch up.
I can't do that at the office. :P
I'm getting very ready for this baby to come.

2 months to go!!!

10 weeks to go

This pregnancy has flown by. I feel like I should be only 5 months along instead of 7.
I'm beginning to worry about silly things. I had a dream the other night that he was deaf. It was a real life Mr Holland's Opus thing. He's very active and I worry I'm going to have a hyper active baby. Then at times I'm terrified that he'll be super shy.
Sometimes I still can't believe I'm having a baby. It's very unreal.
I can see him move now. My stomach is like a rolling sea sometimes. I'll feel him kick and look down and see my stomach poke out and go "Oh my Gosh! There really is a living thing in there!"
The nursery is starting to come together now. The walls are painted, most of the furniture is in, now we just need bedding, cushions for the chair and stuff put up on the wall. I think when it is all done it is going to be absolutely darling.
My first shower is next weekend and I'm super excited. I'm glad I'm having at least one before I get super huge.
As far as pregnancy symptoms go, this hasn't been a bad time. He's still pretty high up so he kicks me in the ribs a lot. I've started eating more iron rich foods because my iron count was low and suddenly I have energy! Though I do get tired around 2pm, if I take a little hour nap I'm usually good. Wish I could nap at the office. I get a little swelling in my feet around the same time, and it's much worse at the office. I try to take my shoes off and put them up for awhile, but the swelling doesn't really go down until I go home. But that at the constant potty breaks are really the worst I've got going on so far. Considering what I had earlier, this part is easy!

Third Trimester Begins

I'm down to the home stretch now. My third trimester started this week.
I had an ultrasound yesterday and my mom and Beverly joined us. They are such grandmas, cooing and awing over each little feature.
William would not cooperate. He simply hates having his picture made, I think.
We were trying to get a good 3D shot of his face, but he kept putting his hands up over his eyes. But he looked adorable. At one point he hiccuped and yawned and it was absolutely presh.
He's going to be a big boy, I'm afraid. He's currently 3lbs and trending to be near 9 when he gets here. Goodness... doesn't he know he has a tiny mama!!!???

His kicking has gotten much more ferocious lately. One night it got to be so much that I just couldn't stand it so I played some piano music for him, hoping it would calm him down. And it did!!! He stopped kicking. I'm really hoping this translates into something we can do for him once he's here. I'd love to pop in a CD or sit down at the piano for a bit to wind him down. He's a music lover already - and a bit of a nerd - his favorite piano music is final fantasy (a video game).

Mother's Day - Babymoon

Jesse & I wanted to have a one "last" little vacation before William gets here and it was nice that our plans just happened to coincide with Mother's Day.
We planned on going to Hot Springs and relaxing, having a spa day, etc...
But with the recent flooding in Memphis and Arkansas, I-40 was shut down in a couple areas and it would take much longer to make the trip than we would like. So we decided to make our vacation a stay-cation and go to Memphis instead. We stayed at the Peabody Hotel and figured since we were vacationing we'd act like tourists. We ate at the Rendezvous for dinner one night and took in a show "Spamalot" at the Orpheum. We even broke Memphis tradition and went to Graceland. (The tradition being most Memphians never go to Graceland)
I got a lovely pedicure and a massage at Gould's on Sunday and then Jesse and I had a champagne brunch (minus the champagne) at the Peabody. It was quite decadent.
It was nice of us to get away, even if it was just to downtown. We enjoyed not having to deal with baby stuff or crazy drama for a couple of days and living it up one good last time.
And I'm now addicted to massages. I'm thinking of making that a regular occurance.
It was a great "first" mother's day/Babymoon.

27 weeks!

In very little time I will be saying goodbye to my second trimester. The one that is supposedly the easiest.
I'm still waiting for that energy to kick in like everyone said it would!!! :)

I'm not really that big, though I feel huge. It's all belly. I am carrying around a heavy basketball. There are days when I think it is rather cute, and days where I curse it. Last night at the grocery store I couldn't bend over to get some things out of the cart - belly was in the way. I had to bend at the knees and do this wierd sideways reach thing to get everything.
And may I add, that there were two grown men in front and behind me and no one offered to help. Tsk!! Where are all these southern manners!?

It's getting more difficult to sleep now. I've reached that point where rolling over is a chore. I think I've officially lost use of my abs. I have to use my arms to push myself up and over. For some reason I'm more comfortable on the couch than in the bed. So usually halfway through the night I end up there.
And the potty breaks. I can no longer make my entire commute without having to stop for one. My commute is 45 minutes long (depending on traffic) and I go right before, but for some reason I usually have to stop halfway and go again.

Though I've put on what I consider a lot of weight (20lbs to date) I don't see it on me except my belly. I'm maybe a smidge puffier than usual, but I really think I've got 15 lbs of belly on me alone.

This week my biggest fear was not passing my glucose test - but Hooray!! All is good there.
I'm really looking forward to next week when we have our next ultrasound. William is super active now and I can't wait to see him bouncing around. Also, if my doctor is ok with it, I'm going to try and bring my mom and Jesse's mom with us to the ultrasound. I know they'll both be super excited to see him "in person".

We've purchased the paint for his room and are getting ready to paint it. And we've signed up for childbirth classes (eek!).
The thing I hate most is not being able to do as much as I want. I want to move furniture and paint and clean out the garage, but either everything is too heavy to lift, can't be around the chemicals or I get tired so quickly that I peter out halfway through. Just doing laundry seems to take every ounce of energy I have nowadays.
I'm not used to being so helpless. It's very frustrating.

It is ok to feel this way.

Ok. This is going to step on some toes possibly, and if so, I apologize up front. This blog was about me being honest and my thoughts during this pregnancy and I have to be honest.

Some of you are driving me crazy.

Yesterday morning I woke up overcome with fear and spent a good 30 minutes crying. My husband was a darling and gave me an Easter present (or 10 :) ) and then a long hug.
Why was I crying? Well... I was reading a book about how to deal with your difficult baby. How to tell what kind of cry your baby is doing and how to soothe it, etc... I've had to stop reading other books before because they only managed to freak me out rather than make me feel prepared with all this information.
This one freaked me out in a way that made me inconsolable. Suddenly every fear I have about having a baby came forward and I cried like I hadn't since I found out I was pregnant (which I cried for an hour over).
I kept thinking about how the baby is going to cry and I'm not going to know what to do with it. And how Jesse and I are going to fight like mad because we are both going to be at our wits end and exhausted and take it out on each other. Jesse and I rarely fight. We have such a great relationship and though I know I'll love this baby and I want it, I just forsee so much turmoil coming because of the disruption it's going to bring to our lives and I dread it.
I'm also terrified I won't love William. I know I'll love him, but maybe not right away.

When we got Annie (our dog), Jesse and I fell in love with her immediately - at first sight in the puppy corral. We only loved her more as we got her home and trained her. She was a puppy and did puppy things like chew and potty everywhere - but we still loved her. She's wonderful little dog.
So a couple years later we decided to get another puppy. We lovingly picked her out of a litter and went to get her and bring her home. I remember when we got home thinking that I didn't love her. She was small and tiny and that endeared me to her, but I didn't love her like I did Annie. Penny (the new pup) was not as cute as Annie was, and she was a difficult puppy. Much more strong willed and harder to train.
It took me a few months to really love her and get to know her little personality and love her because she was different from Annie. I love her with all my heart now and we are the best of friends :).

But I think forward to when I bring William home. What if I have the same reaction to him. I know that a dog is different than a baby and I'll feel differently because he's my child. But what if he's difficult like she was and it takes me awhile to love him for his spunk or strong will or whatever it is that he will be? What if he's not that cute?

And please, please please... don't give me that "You'll love him naturally, because God gives mothers a natural love for their children" crap. Sorry - that's not helpful. That's not encouraging. It makes me feel crappier actually. I don't want to hear "you'll think he's beautiful no matter what because he's yours". What if I don't? What if right after I give birth and they put him in my arms the first thing I think is "Wow, he's looks like a wrinkled purple alien!"?

and also - For everyone who thinks they are clever or funny by saying "Better get a lot of sleep now, ha ha ha" - never say that to a pregnant woman. It's not funny, or helpful or encouraging. We know we aren't going to get to sleep for some time - we don't need you to remind us. We know our lives are going to be irrevocably changed, please don't bring it up every time we meet. It's not pleasant.
Instead, tell us how nice we look - we need that.

So... for now... I've stopped reading books. Maybe I won't be as prepared as I could be and maybe i'll regret it, but I can't spend the 3 months bursting into tears because reading some passage draws up all my deep seated (and possibly misguided - but still real) fears.

26 weeks and the worries kick in

William has been quite active lately. We had a big storm the other night and I think he loved it, because he had never kicked so much, so hard and so all over the place before then.
I love to feel him kick and I'm getting used to his routine. Usually very active in the morning from around 8 - 11am and then again around 3pm. But most other times he's pretty still. Every now and then he'll wake up in the middle of the night when I do to go pee, but he settles pretty quickly. I'm hoping that's a good sign!!
So I'm 26 weeks and I've gained probably 15-17 lbs. Which feels like a ton. I feel gigantic, but honestly I don't feel like I've put on a whole lot of weight in my legs, arms or face. I'm just one big giant belly.
There's a lady at my office who is 2 weeks ahead of me and her belly is much smaller - but her face and extremities are puffier. I know I shouldn't compare, but I wonder if that means I'm having "giant baby".
My mom freaked me out when I told her I had gained 15 lbs cause she acted like that was a lot considering I have 3 months left. I'll admit I'm at the top range of where I should be, but still with in the "healthy weight gain".
Also, my glocuse test is Tuesday and I'm all worried about that. I do not want to fail it. I'm dreading it. That and the fact that I gained 6-8 lbs this month alone has me dreading my next appt.
And the nursery is no where near done. I've sat and looked at a mound of sewing for weeks now thinking "I really need to start on that" and just haven't been able to motivate myself to do it.
And the strangest - or rather most selfish - worry of all:
My feet. They have started to swell I think. Right now only after sitting all day and if I prop them up, they go right back down to normal. But I'm terrified of my feet getting bigger.
I have really adorable tiny feet. (Sorry - but I do) I wear a size 5 1/2. I have a bunch of super cute sandals and pointy toed patent leather 3 in heels in awesome colors like hot pink, red and butter yellow. I love my shoes. I have often found a pair of shoes and then built an entire outfit around them. I know I can't wear them now, but it will make me very sad to find that none of them fit after the baby comes.

Little Alien Baby

I'm sitting here at work and suddenly William gets very active.
So I lay back in my chair and put my hand on him. He gives me a really big kick and my hand moves.
Usually he kicks real low and only I can feel it. Mom said she felt a few flutters last night. But this afternoon he is very kicky and kicking harder than usual.
It's making me quite giddy, giggly and weepy all at the same time.

Showers! 6 month mark!

My first baby shower has been scheduled.
The people at my office are starting to plan it. It's not until June 24th, but they've already got a "theme" and stuff. I'm not allowed to know about anything they've planned but so far all I know is it is "non-traditional".
Hmm... not sure whether I'm worried or not.

Also, the crib is up, I've registered for gifts and everything is starting to come together! Hopefully we'll be able to paint the room here soon and get all the furniture moved in.
I have a mountain of sewing sitting in the dining room, taunting me.

Jesse and I went clothes shopping this weekend because I have officially outgrown just about everything in my closet and now that it is warmer - I have no summer clothes big enough to fit me.
I feel giant. I know that I'm going to get so much bigger but I feel huge. I feel like my belly is no longer cute. I haven't gained that much weight and I'm not any bigger all over, but my belly seems to have exploded this last week. I really hope it doesn't mean I'm having a giant baby!!

22 weeks - 5 1/2 months

I'm over halfway "done" with this pregnancy. I can't believe it. It has really flown by. Part of me is so excited to meet little William and part of me is totally freaked out because not a thing has been done to the nursery. So much painting, moving, sewing to do!! It exhausts me to think of it.

So, a few observations 5 months in. I'm thoroughly pregnant now. I look the part to a T. There's no mistaking my round belly for anything but baby at this point. It's still cute, but bordering on that part where you look like you are carrying a watermelon or beachball under your shirt.
I took a look at myself in the mirror and noticed some things.
1. My belly button is starting to shrink. Or rather flatten. It's a bit odd looking. Soon I'll pop out like a done turkey!
2. My appendicitis scar which is normally an inch long at most has been stretched to a good 2 inches or more.
3. So far no stretch marks!! At least, not any that weren't already there.
4. I don't have the dark line yet, but my belly seems hairier than usual - I know, probably TMI.

Also, I've developed a different walk. I'm not waddling yet, but I definately have a wider stance than before. And I find myself walking and rubbing my belly a lot. Part of it is because most of the time I'm walking, it's to the bathroom and I have to walk a certain way so I don't pee myself!!! I'm also getting up to fast or something because I'm getting round ligament pain when I start to walk around. So I hold my belly when I walk.
My baby boy isn't very bouncy. I know he's there. I do feel him. His kicks are very low, like he's standing straight up inside me and kicking down. But he's relatively quiet during the day. I hope this means he's a nice sweet quiet boy!!
He's the most active in the morning, which is funny because his daddy and I are NOY morning people. But Jesse says that maybe he's just mad that I woke him up. Maybe he's like me (I am quite a bear in the morning).

I have reached that point where just about all my clothes no longer fit - even my "fat" clothes.
I cannot wear any pants that aren't maternity and all but a few of my shirts can't be worn because they are either button ups (no give - not happening) or once they stretch around the belly they come up a couple inches shorter than they used to. Which is not attractive or office appropriate.
I think it's time to get some new shirts. I don't want to spend a lot of maternity clothes, but if I only wore what I have right now in maternity, I'd have like 3 or 4 outfits. I'm already tired of seeing me in the same shirts. I imagine my co-workers are too!
This is what I get for having a skinny husband. I can't even raid Jesse's closet for stuff because he's just about the same size I was before I got pregnant!!

Crazy Dream

I had the craziest dream the other night.
I dreamt that I was breastfeeding my dog. I picked up Penny, my 5 lb minpin, and held her like a baby and breastfed her. I remember in the dream being nervous that it would hurt because she has teeth, but being so excited when she was able to. I called Jesse and my mom into the room because I was so proud of her. It was so real and so bizarre to breastfeed a DOG!

Then Jesse told me to stop because the floors needed to be cleaned. I said "ok, I'll get a mop" and then he started yelling at me that no, they were too filthy for a mop. That I had to get down on my hands and knees and wash the floor inch by inch by hand. He was so mean!!!

A light at the end of the tunnel maybe?

So the good news is there is nothing wrong with my gallbladder, liver, pancreas or kidneys. I won't need surgery.
This really is good news because I've fretted over the last week about having to have surgery while pregnant and am I doing this for me to ease my pain or is it the best thing for my health, etc. etc.. etc..

The bad news is they don't know what is wrong with me still. My doctor sent me to get a chest xray to see if it is some sort of inflammation. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I have an appt with her tomorrow.

This weekend Jesse and I decided to experiment and see what caused pain or more pain and what didn't. So I went off the super bland diet slightly. Not like crazy, eating an entire bucket of fried chicken!! But I added dairy back and I had a little bit of bacon yesterday and a waffle with syrup. Saturday I was in pain, but I spent the whole day walking/standing around at the Mito 5K and then mom and I went shopping and registered for gifts. When I got home around 5pm I was in pain, but not extreme pain like before.
Yesterday I did a little housework, but I took a lot of breaks in between and spent the day in bed propped up at 45 degree angle. Very little pain all day. Even from 4-8 pm which is when it is usually its worse.
Today at the office, I've got my chair leaned back to 45 degrees instead of straight. It's been worse at the office and I wonder if it has something to do with the way I've been sitting.
So far so good... It's 10:30 and usually by now I'm in a little bit of pain. If I can go the afternoon like this, then that would be awesome.

I still don't know what is causing this, but if I can get it manageable then that's one great step in the right direction for me!!!
I'll just be happy to be able to eat again. I lost 2.5 lbs in 5 days on the potato and chicken only diet and I can't be losing weight like that!!!

The Waiting Game

First of all, I can't believe how emotional I am pregnant. I seem to cry a lot more than before.

Anyway, Just an update. We went to the hospital this morning for an ultrasound on the gallbladder to see what's wrong (if anything). They didn't want me to bring Jesse back there with me, but I that made me want to cry so I told them I wanted him there.
Anyway, during the ultrasound I couldn't see the screen, not that I would know what I was looking at anyway. She (the technician) did a lot of clicking and kept going over this one spot several times and I could tell she was measuring something at one point. I wanted to ask her what she was seeing, but didn't, so instead I just teared up.
When she was done she said we'd get the results tomorrow. I was under the impression that a doctor would talk to us the same day and hearing that I would have to wait a day made me weepy. I called my doctor to confirm and she said that yes, we would have to wait a day to get the results back.
I must have heard wrong and then I felt stupid and like I had wasted Jesse's morning. I went back to work but for some reason I was overcome with emotion and just cried at my desk.
I'm not sure why I was crying. Because I thought they found something? Because they won't tell me what they found? Because I said I was going to talk to the doctor today but misheard? Who knows.
While I cried my pain came back which only made me worse, now I'm worried they didn't find anything and my pain is "mysterious" and undiagnosable.
I just hate waiting. I feel like my emotions are being jerked around and I seem to have an abundance of them lately.

Gall Bladder troubles

For the past week or so I've been having really bad chest pain. Not like "I'm having a heart attack!" but more like someone has kicked me in the ribs. My first thought was William is kicking me, but he's no where big enough to be near my ribs.
Then I thought it was my bra - so I got a new, bigger softer one. No dice. It only got worse.
So I thought it might be a chest infection. I had a bad cold a couple weeks back that never really went away 100%. So I called my doctor and they wanted to do a chest x-ray which I said, "ummm... I'm pregnant" and they said, "Call your OBGYN, we can't treat you".
So yesterday I finally decided to go see my OB. I felt so dumb sitting there. It's not like I'm in excruciating pain. It's constant and sometimes incredibly painful, but it's no appendicitis (my appendicitis is the most painful thing I've ever gone through so all other pain gets compared to that).
I told the doctor that I didn't want to be one of those women who call about every little twinge or ache, but it wasn't going away and it seemed to be getting worse so I figured I'd have her look at it.
She poked around at me for a few minutes and determined it's probably my gall bladder.
She turned real serious all of a sudden and told me that she was going to have me have an ultrasound done at Methodist Germantown and set up a surgical consult, just in case. She didn't think it was something caused by my pregnancy, but it's not uncommon for pregnant women to have gallstones and the like.
I was kind of numb. I didn't really know what to say or ask and what I did ask she didn't know because everything depends on how this ultrasound goes. She gave me a special diet for the weekend and Monday morning I check in to the hospital. But if I have an attack over the weekend to go immediately to the ER.
So now, I'm completely freaked out. I'm terrified. I went home and cried and then laid in the bed for hours, depressed.
I'm so scared that I'll have to have surgery and put William at risk, or that they can't do surgery until after he's born and I won't be able to breastfeed or bond with him. I'm terrified that there's nothing they can do and I'll be in pain for the next 4 months. I'm not sure I can handle knowing I'm going to have this pain every day for 4 more months at least. I've been dealing with it ok now because I assumed it would go away soon. Knowing it's not going anywhere is going to make my life awful.
I'm terrified that I'm going ot have an attack and not know it. The doctor said an attack is if I'm in excruciating pain. What's excrutiating? What one persone finds unbearable another might just deal with. The pain never really goes away, but there have been a couple of times where I've been doubled over from it. Is that excruciating? Should I go to the ER then?
I don't know. I'm really scared about all this right now.

William Thomas Jacks

We've had this name in our pocket pretty much since we found out we were pregnant. Jesse wanted to name it after his grandfathers if it turned out to be a boy. Which, according to the last ultrasound, it is.

So William Thomas it is. We are thinking of calling him Liam for short. The reason being we already know so many Williams, Wills & Bills. I almost wish we had waited until the baby was born to give the name out because we've already met resistance on the name. But everyone has 4 more months to get used to the idea that William is his name and Liam is what I will be calling him.

In other news, Jesse has started playing music to him at night. He set up several "baby" playlists on his ipod and we have these speakers that attach to my belly so we can play music for Liam each night. I'm always interested in his feedback (ie kicking) to the songs. So far Mozart makes him sit still and Chopin makes him dance around. He also seems to like the orchestrated version of the music from The Legend of Zelda. That's my boy!!!
We are going to try some choral music and other instrumental pieces later this week to see his reactions!

Week 20 - Halfway there

I am supposedly right at the halfway mark. 20 weeks.

How do I feel? This is a question lots of people ask me.
I feel relatively great. Considering a month ago I was throwing up my toes at least once a week, things are much better. I don't get tired quite as quickly as I used to and I can eat many more things. Veggies don't creep me out anymore, for instance. Pizza is still in question. I'm too scared to attempt it to see if it's ok. My nose isn't quite as sensitive either. I don't get offended by soap or deodorant smells like I used to, and air fresheners aren't quite as bad as they used to be.
It used to be that by 5pm I was exhausted and had to take a nap. If I did anything remotely physical I was tired after an hour tops. Now I can go several hours before I get too worn out to continue.
My belly is now rounded and poking out and I look pregnant, not just like I ate too many bon bons.
So all in all, much better.
The only bads are that I can't seem to shake this cold I've had for two weeks now, and sleeping.
I'm a back sleeper. I sleep flat on my back with my arms overhead. Now that I'm well into my 2nd trimester, this is a no-no. So I'm trying to sleep on my sides, but I just can't get comfortable that way. So I really only get a good nights sleep every other night or so.
But I would take a little discomfort at night over being nauseous all day like before!!

Wehadababyitsaboy.

That kept running through my head the other day when the doctor told us it was a boy. It is now a HE!!
The grandmothers are beside themselves with glee. I'm happy to finally be able to start buying and registering for stuff and Jesse gets to use his treasured name (which the family does not know yet).

But then as I spent the last three days at home with a cold and nothing to look at but horrible daytime TV and noticing how filthy my house is, I realized... Oh my goodness, I'm having a boy. I'm gonna have a little boy running/screaming/play sword fighting (with his dad) through the house.
It's all a bit overwhelming. For some reason the thought of him being a girl didn't overwhelm me. Maybe it's cause I'm a girl and I kind of know what I'm getting into with that. But I had no brothers and up until we moved to Millington my only contact with boys was mostly my cousin, Jeremy... who loved to torment us girls.
I don't know a lot about how little boys operate before they are 8 yrs old or so.
I'm going to miss the absolutely adorable clothes that girls get to wear. I went to Target a couple days after and nearly cried when I saw the sun dresses and colorful tights.
But then I turned the aisle and saw brat dolls and older girl clothes that looked like something I wouldn't let my teen age girl wear and I was very relieved to not have to deal with that.

Boys may be more rambunctious, loud, dirty, smelly and destructive little children, but they have got to be easier tweens and teenagers, right?
And while I had visions of a little girl playing dolls and barbies, I can't imagine Jesse getting into that, and I can totally see him playing nerf guns and Star Wars with a boy and getting almost more excited than the kid!

Movement, Gender and Cravings

At the office everyone is weighing in on what sex the baby will be. As of this moment it's a pretty close match with girl slightly edging out boy (7 to 6). We find out on Tuesday so everyone is very anxious to know. Most of all Jesse, me and the grandmothers!!!

Also, I think I felt the baby move for the first time last night. I was driving home and singing pretty loudly with the radio. I felt this weird bubbly thing low in my belly. Like someone was scratching at my stomach from the inside. I've never felt anything like this before so I can only assume this is the "fluttering" movement I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm guessing the baby either was dancing to my singing or punching me to get me to shut up. It better get used to me singing in the car!

Today I had a odd craving. I craved ketchup. Not french fries, not burgers with ketchup.. the ketchup itself. I could have poured ketchup on just about anything and eaten it. At lunch I had a nice big basket of fries with about a 1/4 of a bottle of ketchup. I don't usually smother my fries in the red stuff, but today I could not get enough of it.

Is it the second trimester yet?

This baby has a sense of humor. Should have known - it's Jesse's kid.

It likes to play with me. Make me think I've gotten over my morning sickness phase and then BAM! send me running to the bathroom to relief myself of my dinner.
So far I'm on this pattern of four good days, one bad.
That is better than four bad days so I'm not complaining too much, but I really think the kid is toying with me.
A lot of people are telling me this means it's a boy. No clue. The kid has a sense of humor there too.
Last sonogram it refused to uncross it's legs so we could see. I mean REFUSED. It was quite happy and warm and asleep and was none too pleased when the nurse poked and prodded it to get it to move into the right position. First it just plain refused to move, then after 10 minutes of being poked at it responded with a series of violent donkey kicks.
Maybe that's its mama coming out... I hate it when people wake me up too.

Here's to hoping for better behavior on the next doctor visit.

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A long night

Spent last night in the ER. Nothing was wrong with the baby, I just couldn't pee again. This time it was really bad. I took a 45 minute shower and it didn't help. I walked around and did yoga stretches and nothing would work. I went at least an hour with a full bladder before making Jesse drive me to the hospital at midnight. By that time the pain had gotten so bad it was making me sick.
The lady at the hospital was evil. I was crying and doubled over in pain but she wouldn't let Jesse fill out the forms, I had to sit there and answer her questions. He kept saying, "she's in a lot of pain, can we fill these out after she's taken back?" But the lady said the doctor "wouldn't even know I was there until there was a form filed on me". I understand hospital protecol and all that, but she was kind of snotty and had no compassion.
Finally they took me back and put me in a room (after checking my blood pressure, temp, getting my symptoms a few more times etc...) which seemed to take an agonizingly long time.
By this time I couldn't lay down, so I knelt on all fours on the bed, I think because I was in this position the doctor stopped when he walked by. He was awesome. He saw right away I was in a great deal of pain and ordered a catheter immediately. The cath hurt, but being able to empty my bladder felt fabulous. I had a half a liter of fluid in there. After making sure I was ok, and had no infection or anything, they sent me home. The lady was snotty again at check out and made some snide comment about nervous first time fathers as we walked away.
But I was happy to be pain free and going home, and able to pee again.

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2nd Sunday in May

In the elevator an older gentlemen that I work with asked how I was. I threw up last night and was kind of queasy this morning so I tentatively answered, "ok, I think."
He just grinned back at me and said, "Don't worry - now you get a red rose every 2nd Sunday in May!"
I kind of looked at him oddly because I didn't understand. Is that Easter this year? I was racking my brains to figure out what he meant (and my pregnancy brain does not work nearly as fast as my normal one). And he said "Mother's Day!"
Oh... mother's day. I had forgotten about that holiday. Awesome.
I can see in my future lots of burnt toast and runny pancakes served to me in bed (after which I'll get to clean up the kitchen explosion) and homemade cards with coloring outside the lines and wildflowers picked from the yard placed in a coffee cup with water..... and I'm looking forward to every minute of it!!!

Odd Dream

I dreamt about my baby last night.
I had just delivered and it was laying in my arms. And it was beautiful.
(I say it because I still don't know the sex)
It had little round cheeks, perfectly creamy white with just a blush of pink. The eyes were big and round and very dark blue. And it had a full head of platinum blond hair. It was so pretty. I was so proud to have such a beautiful baby.
And then it opened its mouth and had a full set of baby teeth. Freaky.

I.P. Freely

Yesterday I experienced something new. The inability to urinate. I had to go really badly, but nothing happened when I tried. Imagine you just drank a gallon of water and had to go really bad, but someone told you to hold it for another hour. That's the level of pain I was in. not like "omg I'm going to die" but terribly uncomfortable. I called the doctor and she told me to take a shower. I was at work so no such luck, but eventually after an hour or so and walking around I was able to go. Had I not been able to, I would have to go get a catheter. That sounds like fun!
Apparently this can happen when you have a tilted uterus and a baby who loves to snuggle up next to your bladder, like mine.
It happened again last night, but a very uncomfortable shower helped.
Doctor says this should go away in a week or so as the baby gets bigger and moves off the bladder. But it's not too fun right now.

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First 12 weeks

My mom mentioned that I should keep a diary of my pregnancy so I can look at it later, etc... I'm not much of a diary person. But I spend 8 hours a day in front of a computer, so I'm more likely to type something than write it down journal-style.

So here it is. My pregnancy online journal.

I am 12 weeks pregnant with my first child. So far what I've learned from being pregnant is this:

Everyone knows everything about being pregnant. Even men, who aren't married or have never had kids of their own.
Perfect strangers will touch your belly and tell you how happy they are for you. (By the way - I'm not really showing yet - not much of a belly to touch)
I cry for no reason when I watch TV.
I yell at people that I would normally just ignore.
The baby hates everything it seems.
Among the list of things the baby hates are green beans, cream cheese, my husband's deodorant, my favorite soap, lotions of any kind, pizza, parmesan cheese, scented candles or house deodorizers of any kind, Febreeze, corn flakes, lobster (smell - I didn't try to eat it), deli mustard,and most green vegetables.
My baby does like Mac & Cheese and TCBY. (Maybe I'm having Becky's baby)
I don't get morning sickness anymore. I get late afternoon-evening sickness instead.

Everything seems to revolve around what I can or can't eat. It's like it's all I can think about. "Is this going to make me sick?" "What is that god-awful smell?" (The god-awful smell can be anything from cinnamon to the litter box)I spend a good portion of my day trying to determine if I'll be sick or not. I'm quite tired of it. I'm also tired in general. I'm the biggest slob on the planet right now. I really really want to reorganize all the closets in my house, but when I get home all I can manage to do is eat some mac and cheese in bed with the dogs.

I hear it'll get better, or worse depending on which "expert" I'm talking to at the time :)