It is ok to feel this way.

Ok. This is going to step on some toes possibly, and if so, I apologize up front. This blog was about me being honest and my thoughts during this pregnancy and I have to be honest.

Some of you are driving me crazy.

Yesterday morning I woke up overcome with fear and spent a good 30 minutes crying. My husband was a darling and gave me an Easter present (or 10 :) ) and then a long hug.
Why was I crying? Well... I was reading a book about how to deal with your difficult baby. How to tell what kind of cry your baby is doing and how to soothe it, etc... I've had to stop reading other books before because they only managed to freak me out rather than make me feel prepared with all this information.
This one freaked me out in a way that made me inconsolable. Suddenly every fear I have about having a baby came forward and I cried like I hadn't since I found out I was pregnant (which I cried for an hour over).
I kept thinking about how the baby is going to cry and I'm not going to know what to do with it. And how Jesse and I are going to fight like mad because we are both going to be at our wits end and exhausted and take it out on each other. Jesse and I rarely fight. We have such a great relationship and though I know I'll love this baby and I want it, I just forsee so much turmoil coming because of the disruption it's going to bring to our lives and I dread it.
I'm also terrified I won't love William. I know I'll love him, but maybe not right away.

When we got Annie (our dog), Jesse and I fell in love with her immediately - at first sight in the puppy corral. We only loved her more as we got her home and trained her. She was a puppy and did puppy things like chew and potty everywhere - but we still loved her. She's wonderful little dog.
So a couple years later we decided to get another puppy. We lovingly picked her out of a litter and went to get her and bring her home. I remember when we got home thinking that I didn't love her. She was small and tiny and that endeared me to her, but I didn't love her like I did Annie. Penny (the new pup) was not as cute as Annie was, and she was a difficult puppy. Much more strong willed and harder to train.
It took me a few months to really love her and get to know her little personality and love her because she was different from Annie. I love her with all my heart now and we are the best of friends :).

But I think forward to when I bring William home. What if I have the same reaction to him. I know that a dog is different than a baby and I'll feel differently because he's my child. But what if he's difficult like she was and it takes me awhile to love him for his spunk or strong will or whatever it is that he will be? What if he's not that cute?

And please, please please... don't give me that "You'll love him naturally, because God gives mothers a natural love for their children" crap. Sorry - that's not helpful. That's not encouraging. It makes me feel crappier actually. I don't want to hear "you'll think he's beautiful no matter what because he's yours". What if I don't? What if right after I give birth and they put him in my arms the first thing I think is "Wow, he's looks like a wrinkled purple alien!"?

and also - For everyone who thinks they are clever or funny by saying "Better get a lot of sleep now, ha ha ha" - never say that to a pregnant woman. It's not funny, or helpful or encouraging. We know we aren't going to get to sleep for some time - we don't need you to remind us. We know our lives are going to be irrevocably changed, please don't bring it up every time we meet. It's not pleasant.
Instead, tell us how nice we look - we need that.

So... for now... I've stopped reading books. Maybe I won't be as prepared as I could be and maybe i'll regret it, but I can't spend the 3 months bursting into tears because reading some passage draws up all my deep seated (and possibly misguided - but still real) fears.

26 weeks and the worries kick in

William has been quite active lately. We had a big storm the other night and I think he loved it, because he had never kicked so much, so hard and so all over the place before then.
I love to feel him kick and I'm getting used to his routine. Usually very active in the morning from around 8 - 11am and then again around 3pm. But most other times he's pretty still. Every now and then he'll wake up in the middle of the night when I do to go pee, but he settles pretty quickly. I'm hoping that's a good sign!!
So I'm 26 weeks and I've gained probably 15-17 lbs. Which feels like a ton. I feel gigantic, but honestly I don't feel like I've put on a whole lot of weight in my legs, arms or face. I'm just one big giant belly.
There's a lady at my office who is 2 weeks ahead of me and her belly is much smaller - but her face and extremities are puffier. I know I shouldn't compare, but I wonder if that means I'm having "giant baby".
My mom freaked me out when I told her I had gained 15 lbs cause she acted like that was a lot considering I have 3 months left. I'll admit I'm at the top range of where I should be, but still with in the "healthy weight gain".
Also, my glocuse test is Tuesday and I'm all worried about that. I do not want to fail it. I'm dreading it. That and the fact that I gained 6-8 lbs this month alone has me dreading my next appt.
And the nursery is no where near done. I've sat and looked at a mound of sewing for weeks now thinking "I really need to start on that" and just haven't been able to motivate myself to do it.
And the strangest - or rather most selfish - worry of all:
My feet. They have started to swell I think. Right now only after sitting all day and if I prop them up, they go right back down to normal. But I'm terrified of my feet getting bigger.
I have really adorable tiny feet. (Sorry - but I do) I wear a size 5 1/2. I have a bunch of super cute sandals and pointy toed patent leather 3 in heels in awesome colors like hot pink, red and butter yellow. I love my shoes. I have often found a pair of shoes and then built an entire outfit around them. I know I can't wear them now, but it will make me very sad to find that none of them fit after the baby comes.

Little Alien Baby

I'm sitting here at work and suddenly William gets very active.
So I lay back in my chair and put my hand on him. He gives me a really big kick and my hand moves.
Usually he kicks real low and only I can feel it. Mom said she felt a few flutters last night. But this afternoon he is very kicky and kicking harder than usual.
It's making me quite giddy, giggly and weepy all at the same time.

Showers! 6 month mark!

My first baby shower has been scheduled.
The people at my office are starting to plan it. It's not until June 24th, but they've already got a "theme" and stuff. I'm not allowed to know about anything they've planned but so far all I know is it is "non-traditional".
Hmm... not sure whether I'm worried or not.

Also, the crib is up, I've registered for gifts and everything is starting to come together! Hopefully we'll be able to paint the room here soon and get all the furniture moved in.
I have a mountain of sewing sitting in the dining room, taunting me.

Jesse and I went clothes shopping this weekend because I have officially outgrown just about everything in my closet and now that it is warmer - I have no summer clothes big enough to fit me.
I feel giant. I know that I'm going to get so much bigger but I feel huge. I feel like my belly is no longer cute. I haven't gained that much weight and I'm not any bigger all over, but my belly seems to have exploded this last week. I really hope it doesn't mean I'm having a giant baby!!