Ok. This is going to step on some toes possibly, and if so, I apologize up front. This blog was about me being honest and my thoughts during this pregnancy and I have to be honest.
Some of you are driving me crazy.
Yesterday morning I woke up overcome with fear and spent a good 30 minutes crying. My husband was a darling and gave me an Easter present (or 10 :) ) and then a long hug.
Why was I crying? Well... I was reading a book about how to deal with your difficult baby. How to tell what kind of cry your baby is doing and how to soothe it, etc... I've had to stop reading other books before because they only managed to freak me out rather than make me feel prepared with all this information.
This one freaked me out in a way that made me inconsolable. Suddenly every fear I have about having a baby came forward and I cried like I hadn't since I found out I was pregnant (which I cried for an hour over).
I kept thinking about how the baby is going to cry and I'm not going to know what to do with it. And how Jesse and I are going to fight like mad because we are both going to be at our wits end and exhausted and take it out on each other. Jesse and I rarely fight. We have such a great relationship and though I know I'll love this baby and I want it, I just forsee so much turmoil coming because of the disruption it's going to bring to our lives and I dread it.
I'm also terrified I won't love William. I know I'll love him, but maybe not right away.
When we got Annie (our dog), Jesse and I fell in love with her immediately - at first sight in the puppy corral. We only loved her more as we got her home and trained her. She was a puppy and did puppy things like chew and potty everywhere - but we still loved her. She's wonderful little dog.
So a couple years later we decided to get another puppy. We lovingly picked her out of a litter and went to get her and bring her home. I remember when we got home thinking that I didn't love her. She was small and tiny and that endeared me to her, but I didn't love her like I did Annie. Penny (the new pup) was not as cute as Annie was, and she was a difficult puppy. Much more strong willed and harder to train.
It took me a few months to really love her and get to know her little personality and love her because she was different from Annie. I love her with all my heart now and we are the best of friends :).
But I think forward to when I bring William home. What if I have the same reaction to him. I know that a dog is different than a baby and I'll feel differently because he's my child. But what if he's difficult like she was and it takes me awhile to love him for his spunk or strong will or whatever it is that he will be? What if he's not that cute?
And please, please please... don't give me that "You'll love him naturally, because God gives mothers a natural love for their children" crap. Sorry - that's not helpful. That's not encouraging. It makes me feel crappier actually. I don't want to hear "you'll think he's beautiful no matter what because he's yours". What if I don't? What if right after I give birth and they put him in my arms the first thing I think is "Wow, he's looks like a wrinkled purple alien!"?
and also - For everyone who thinks they are clever or funny by saying "Better get a lot of sleep now, ha ha ha" - never say that to a pregnant woman. It's not funny, or helpful or encouraging. We know we aren't going to get to sleep for some time - we don't need you to remind us. We know our lives are going to be irrevocably changed, please don't bring it up every time we meet. It's not pleasant.
Instead, tell us how nice we look - we need that.
So... for now... I've stopped reading books. Maybe I won't be as prepared as I could be and maybe i'll regret it, but I can't spend the 3 months bursting into tears because reading some passage draws up all my deep seated (and possibly misguided - but still real) fears.
All of this is right on target. Don't feel bad about any of these feelings. I very distinctly remember feeling the same way AND feeling guilty about it. I read an article called "10 things that change when you have a baby" I think Satan himself wrote it, I cried for hours! Yes you will lose sleep, but it doesn't last forever and everyone needs to stop with the "Ohhhh your life is going to change" can I get a resounding "DUH!" Melanie, you are going to adore William, I won't tell you why I think so, because I know so. He will be perfect. And your life with Jesse will not change, your relationship is strong and no amount of sleep deprivation will change that. In time life goes back to normal and you have an extra adorable family member to laugh with and love. In the meantime, let out your worries and fears and know that it is ok!
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